A lot of people will frown on my version of parenting. The version where the mantra “Discipline equals freedom” can be heard being chanted through the hallways. Along with questions of “Do you believe you earned it?” and “What do you think?”
Questions I direct at my child, instead of imposing my views on them.
It all started with a children’s book called ‘Way of the Warrior Kid by Jocko William, an ex-marine telling the story of how to be the best version of yourself. The concept of getting the tough stuff done to earn the rewards you define for yourself.
We have switched from telling my eldest what he should be doing, to asking him to plan what needs to be done.
When a request comes to have more television time or play Minecraft with his friends, I never say “no”, instead I ask “Have you earned it?” To which the response is normally an immediate turn on his heals to complete his planned football practice or knock out a song on the keyboard.
We are not at this development point with my younger son Rhys yet, the challenges of autism and interaction make this a bit more difficult. But it is still something we have started to implement, and more importantly need to, in order to ensure structure, communication and predictability within his life.
At the moment my eldest is providing the best training ground for us as parents to practice the method. We are implementing it slowly for Rhys, where a reward of an episode of the Gruffalo requires Rhys to engage with a puzzle game, or a request for an ice-lolly requires him to do a bit of writing.
Discipline equals freedom, or more realistically reward!
Now there will be those haters out there. The ones who believe kids should be kids and not be ‘bribed’ to get what they should rightfully just be handed. But I believe that our role as parents is to guide our children and show them how to live their lives to the fullest, and achieve every dream they envisage.
My son’s autism means that structure is more important than ever. Teaching how to get things done, plan your day and get the tough stuff out of the way first, are life skills we should all be teaching and supporting our children with from a young age.
By learning from a young age that (self) discipline equals freedom, and they will be able to achieve the impossible.
I lay out the word puzzles all in a row. The same way I always lay them out. The little wooden letters are scattered underneath, each letter face up, in the way it should be.
“Rhys, word puzzles” I say, and with luck he is next to me willing to participate. It took me ages in March to get him interested in the letters, but I persevered, and after a lot of chocolate, we had a system, a process of placing each letter in its slot and saying the word.
As Rhys chooses the first word, I let him find the ‘s’ and put it in its place. But as I turn around I see his new LCD writing screen on the floor, and a thought comes to mind.
As Rhys places the letters s, o, c and k into the puzzle, I write each letter on the little black screen mirroring his word formation.
“Rhys, sock” I say, pointing to the word I have written which corresponds with his wooden letters.
He is partially interested.
“Rhys, what letter next?” I ask, as I see the word duck as the next word in the sequence. “D” he replies.
As he searches for the letter, I draw it on the blue tablet screen. “D” I say.
We continue with the process, Rhys slotting the letters into their place, while I write them down.
For now I just carry on in the background with my writing, as if it is purely for my own enjoyment!
For my son the key to change, is familiarity. Building on what he already knows and letting him get a sneak preview of what is to come. I don’t force him to write the letters or to take part in the change. I just casually implement a small change, all by myself to the side of him.
As we come to the last word, I continue with my prompting in the same way I have done all through the puzzle. “What’s next, Rhys” “S” he responds.
I pause but this time I don’t write the letter on my screen. A change to what I have been doing the whole way through the game. Two eyes look across towards me.
We wait.
Rhys then pushes my hand towards the LCD screen. He wants me to write the letter so he can do his part.
“S” I say, and draw the letter on the screen. Rhys places the wooden piece in its place.
After doing the new game for the third time today, I pause for longer between letters, and await Rhys’ response. He waits and once again looks at me waiting for my action. But I wait, until he suddenly lifts the pen and writes the letter ‘i’ on the screen all by himself, then places the ‘i’ into the puzzle to continue the word ‘fish’
I am so proud.
Don’t feel you need to recreate the wheel or pull out something completely new.
Use a game, toy or activity your child already enjoys and add to it. If you open your mind, you will be able to create new ways of teaching letters, numbers, fine and gross motor skills.
Try just slotting in small changes to the current activity or do something along side.
When everyone’s children are conversing and talking in sentences, it is extremely disheartening to watch your child sit silent and not utter a sound.
I have been in the situation of my son not talking. Not saying his first word until he was four, a developmental milestone that other children make at around a year old. In our case, my son’s delayed speech was linked to autism. But there are many other reasons for a child not developing speech, and it is best to discuss with the professionals; your health visitor or GP to ensure you get the support your child needs.
However, while you are waiting for answers, there are some things that you can do to start the journey towards communicating with your child.
1. Mimicking
As much as you may want to play a certain game or toy with your child, they may not want to do the same. Similarly, they may not want to play it according to the instructions or the rules as they are printed on the box.
You need to change your outlook on this. Remember that you are finding a way to engage with your child and prompt interest with them. You need to play with what they want, in the way that they play it.
If your child is not interested in toys and prefers jumping around, or spinning, or singing, you need to join them in this game.
Copy what your child does, jump with them, mimic pushing the wheels of a car alongside them, or hide under the blanket with them.
This copying of your child’s actions, will firstly create a sense of interest. They will see you doing something they enjoy and feel a connection to the action, creating engagement.
2. Move Everything Up High
If your child is bringing you items to open or helping themselves to toys they want to play with, they will continue to do this without words or a request. They will not see the need to engage with you to get what they want, therefore not needing to prompt communication or future verbal requests.
So take the key items and move them out of their reach. You will start to feel like your nan who has strange items in strange places, like the rice cakes next to your dinner plates, and a line of cars on the top shelf of the bookcase.
The objective is to get your child to point and request an item. If they are dragging you by the hand, let them lead you to the item, this is the starting point. They now need you to get what they want, and they need to engage with you to get it.
3. Choices
After having moved everything out of your child’s reach, you should see a change in them, either pointing to the object or leading you to what they want. Most of the time you will know exactly what your child wants, and you can now use this to your advantage.
If you child has dragged you to the fridge and you instinctively know that the only thing they want out of the fridge is an apple, choose another item you know they do not want. Now provide them a choice between the Apple and the unwanted item.
You are not looking for a speech or a verbal response at this stage, just an opportunity for them to request the item. This may initially be a split second of eye contact, a point, or a verbal babble. The aim is for them to provide some sort of response before they get their reward, in this example the apple.
Over time as engagement and interaction develops, you can provide choices of two different items which they will want, and see if they can choose between them.
4. Pictures
Never underestimate the power of pictures.
The route to developing speech involves the need to initially associate a spoken word with an object, feeling or instruction. Just by constantly speaking these words, will not necessarily provide the association. This is why it is important to develop engagement before you can expect to generate understanding and eventually speech.
Print out pictures of activities and place these on the wall to allow your child a choice of things to do.
Use pictures to show the sequence of events and where you are going. This will reduce anxiety and provide a method to let your child know what is about to happen, or if they are about to go into the car or a walk to the park.
Pictures can be used in the physical form, with them being laminated and attached to sequence cards or wall charts. Alternatively there are numerous apps which allow you to store pictures digitally or allow you to immediately take photos of different objects and present them to your child on screen.
5. Makaton
Makaton is a fantastic way to enhance understanding and encourage speech. It is easy to learn with the signs being very intuitive and easy to remember.
Using makaton does not stop the development of speech, but enhances the process. It will allow your child to communicate when they have no words, reducing anxiety and frustration.
There are many YouTube sites and videos of the most commonly used signs which can allow you to get started, and if in doubt, turn on CBeebies and let Mr Tumble do the work for you.
6. Crouch Down
In every engagement with your child make sure you are at their eye level. Crouch down to give choices for their request, and allow them to see your face.
When you have the item they have requested, hold it up to the side of your face and repeat its name. Your child may not want to look at you, but holding the wanted item next to your face, will allow your child to see your facial expression and muscle movement out of the corner of their eye, linking it to the pronunciation and sound of the word.
Learning to talk is not just about verbally pronouncing the sound. The facial muscles need to develop and move in the correct way to make the appropriate sounds. The only way to learn how to move your face to produce the correct sound is by seeing others do it. Seeing the multiple facial muscles move and associate them with language, is key to learning how to talk. It is then through practising the movements and hearing the sounds, that speech can be formed.
7. Entering Their World
The world is full of metaphors, and it was something I took time to get my head around. As I mentioned above, it is extremely difficult, but don’t try to inflict your view of how things should be done, or what games and toys your child should play with onto your child.
You will progress a lot quicker and be a lot less frustrated if you use your child’s interests or ways of playing. Once you get the engagement and interaction, you can start to push the boundaries a bit, but you first need to do things their way.
Let your child choose a toy to play with, or if they are most into physical play, use this to interact. My son loves tactile play and numbers, so we would throw him up in the air while counting the number of throws. This evolved to us asking him “How Many?” and he would hold up his fingers requesting the number of throws.
We later used numbers to engage with every day objects, like counting ducks or asking how many rice cakes he wanted.
8. Pausing and Waiting
A few seconds silence can feel like a life time, but that silence can work wonders. When you are waiting for an interaction or prompt from your child, don’t feel like you need to give in after a few seconds. Take your time, sit on the floor and wait.
If you get no response, prompt once again and wait. I have had many occasions of sitting on a cold kitchen floor, asking if my son wanted an Apple or an Orange. Some of those occasions have lasted over half an hour, but I waited and I persevered.
When you eventually get that engagement, then a sound and then a word, all those hours sitting on a cold floor will have been worth it. I also suggest keeping a cushion close at hand if you foresee this as being a frequent occurrence.
9. Use Simple Language
When you are speaking to your child don’t talk in long sentences with large confusing words and multiple pieces of descriptive language. Limit your sentences to a few words, ensuring they are simple and to the point.
Always use sentences in the order of how the activities are going to occur, as this will void confusion about what is about to happen and in what order. For example instead of saying “We are going to the park, so get your shoes on”, change this to simple language with the activities in the order of occurrence, “Shoes then park”.
10. It Takes Time
You will have heard the stories of some children not talking and then talking in sentences, others take a bit longer, and some take years. You need to go through the process with your child. The initial engagement, the understanding, the physical facial development, the babbling and then eventually word formation.
It took my son years, but I never gave up. I continually worked on engagement and understanding. I used pictures and makaton to support communication, and when we got sound, we worked on each syllable of the word until he said it.
Lastly, it is important to note that communication is not only verbal. It is done through interaction, expressions, signs and gestures. We all naturally look to verbal communication as the key element for conversing, but there are a multitude of methods before you even get to the spoken word.
Before my son could talk, I wrote down all the ways he was currently communicating, these included leading me by the hand, pointing, and shouting. Over time these methods of communication increased to requests via the use of pictures, makaton signing, and verbal prompts. He was communicating before he could say his first word, and I could instinctively understand his wants, and needs.
Look to identify all the different methods of communication. Stop focusing just on the verbal, and build up all the other methods, as these will aid the communication and engagement between you and your child.
If you are looking for more details, or step by step instructions on how to implement any strategies used for communication and engagement, have a look on the strategies area on the A&Me home page.
Its busy. There are people! Which in these viral times can make things a little hairy! But I am winging it, I have a plan, which most probably will fizzle into a complete disaster within seconds – but it is always good to try.
“Rhys, shopping list” I say, handing him the laminated card which contains five pictures of items we need to get (although there is always going to be more, especially when you hit the miscellaneous isle of Lidl).
All is going well.
Rhys has decided to forgo his standard exercise routine of shuttle runs up and down the isles, and has resorted to the integrated trolley buggy-board option. With his feet secure on the little step, he holds onto the handle of the trolley, with the shopping list placed in front of him.
“Rhys apples” I say, coming to the first item on the list. I hand the bag to him and he lobs it into the trolley, letting them bruise themselves on landing.
I sigh and make a mental note to do the eggs myself in a few minutes!
Taking Rhys’ hand I help him move the apple picture to the right, off the list. He is not happy about it, and screams at me. It is that high pitch scream that penetrates your bones and lingers in the air. People turn expecting a decapitated body or horror scene. But everything is in its place, just a little boy being asked to move a picture!
The Shopping List
We move on, people stop staring and turn back to their business.
“Rhys, pizza next” I say pointing to the little picture of a pizza. I lift four boxes from the fridge and hand them to him.
He throws them into the trolley, each box landing on top of the bruised apples, on some sort of scattered ensemble. I try to contain my urge to rearrange the trolley items, directing myself back to the task.
Once again I take Rhys’ hand and we move the pizza piece across.
He screams!
We move on.
As we walk I rearrange the trolley, and throw in a few extra items which Rhys’ pictures don’t include. I have kept Rhys’ list simple to ensure I keep his attention. Too many pictures would become overwhelming, especially as this is the first time doing this.
As we round the next isle, Rhys shouts, in a volume for everyone’s enjoyment, “ALL DONE!” I look at the list, he has removed the remaining three items across to the right had side. “Car” he says.
“No Rhys, we need jam, grapes and ham” I say, placing the three pictures back to left of the card. He is reluctant but lets me compete my task.
As the jam is thrown onto the grapes and topped with a few packs of ham, we walk towards the checkout.
“How are you today?” Asks the cashier.
“Bloody fantastic” I answer.
And I am.
As I push my battered shopping out of the store, I am happy that we have shopped together using a list and a new form of engagement. The other shoppers may have seen things differently, but for me, this was progress.
Maybe next time the screams will be a little less audible, and the apples a little less bruised.
I remember sitting in a horseshoe of chairs at our first National Autistic Society Early Bird course. It was the introductory session and we were going around the room giving an insight into each of our children.
Questions were asked to each couple in turn, with each question starting with someone different each time to allow us all to share.
“What is sleep like?” said the lady to my husband. He was first in the small group to answer the question.
“It’s hard” he said, “Rhys goes to sleep happily in the evenings at 7pm, but is then up really early around 04:30am”. We are constantly tired.
The question was then posed to the next couple who shared their struggles with sleep. How their son didn’t fall asleep until ten or eleven o’clock at night, and would then be up at about two am.
The answers from the group continued with responses including the need to lie down with their children for hours till they finally fell asleep, only to be up after a few hours.
As the responses were shared, me and my husband looked at each other from the corners of our eyes. Our sleep difficulties seamed miniscule to these other parents. We were always guaranteed an evening of peace, even though it was often an exhausted one due to being awake since four or four-thirty.
My husband held his head in his hands, embarrassed at his honesty of our son’s challenging sleep pattern. Wishing he could wind back the clock and not be the first to have answered that question.
We laugh about it now. We laugh because even though we are lucky with sleep (in the autism world) every couple of weeks Rhys does start the day at 2am. On those days we just trudge on and go to bed early.
I do however have a little laugh to myself when I overhear other parents sharing their early morning wakeups of six-thirty or having to wake their kids up who are still asleep at eight-thirty.
The thing is, you can take a child to their bed, but you can’t make them sleep (unless you have some magic melatonin!). I have however learnt over the years to just go with it. When Rhys wakes up he is ready to start the day. One day that may be five, other days it will be two in the morning!
Some days I snooze through the demand for the Gruffalo. Other days I get up and use the time to my advantage, because clocking up a few hours house work or a few chapters of my book puts me on the front foot for the day.
If I mope around in a half awake mess for the rest of the day, I don’t feel like the day has been totally wasted. I will have done my bit.
Other days we get lucky and Rhys sleeps late.
Oh how I love a lie in untill 05:30am 😁
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