The children stood in pairs and took their judo holds, ready for the signal to move. Rhys was in position, standing opposite a boy, who was about the same height, with brown hair, cut short and a reflective t-shirt under his jacket.
But my son wasn’t in a pair. A black belt stood behind him, whose arms came around Rhys, hand over hand as he held the judo hold that had been instructed.
As the signal came, they moved. The physical support for my son guided him in the motion, helping him fight his opponent, until a leg spotted a weakness and the fall rendered defeat.
Not one word was spoken.
The teaching was adaptive, and non-verbal.
But the skill being taught was the same. The throws and the methods were the same. The desire to learn was the same.
I have been turned from away from so many other activities and groups, with comments like: “This is not the right setting for your son” “Maybe wait a few years for when he can follow instruction” or “We don’t have the funding to support him!”
I see these examples of ableism everyday.
I hear it in conversations. At venues where my son is not welcome. In processes which restrict my son’s ability to participate.
Verbally telling Rhys to do a task, or to sit in line or catch a partner, is not an instruction he is able to easily understand or formulate in his mind.
But why restrict the learning of a skill to one way of teaching? A method where only those able to learn that way can learn?
Restriction is discrimination!
It’s ableism!
Restricting to one way of teaching has meant my son has not been welcome.
Not welcome in many, many situations.
And it means he has been excluded!
Rhys’ judo club is not a special needs club, or a club that has funded one-to-one support. It is just a club which turns no one away. It is a club that wants to develop the skill of judo, no matter what method of teaching is needed to achieve that.
It only takes the commitment to adapt to allow all to thrive. And by thriving we can all look to develop further into a community of strength and inclusion.
A dog was always on the cards for us. It was just a matter of the right time and the right moment. I had read a lot of positive outcomes of a dog joining the family home, and followed a number of accounts that spoke about the amazing bond a dog and a child could develop.
According to a report from research conducted by Dogs For Good along with the National Autistic Society and the University of Lincoln, it was found that in a family with an autistic child, the introduction of a dog resulted in meltdowns being reduced along with the reduction in separation anxiety. The feedback found that 85% of children were happier in the presence of a family dog and 69% of parents found they had reduced stress levels within 10 weeks of having a dog.
So we thought the cards were in line. Dogs brought positivity to a household, especially the advantages it would provide to my autistic son, Rhys.
But things did not go as smoothly as we imagined.
I started to research further and only found two outcomes from families who had introduced a dog hoping to get benefits for their autistic child. You had the stories of amazing instant bonding, an inseparable experience, and then you had the horror stories. You had families who lived segregated lives, where the dog remained in one end of the house while the child felt safe in the other.
I felt we were going down the latter route, where we had brought home a puppy that Rhys was terrified of and would never be able to live alongside, let alone create a bond! But we were not ready to give up, we started to develop a strategy to make it work. We created a system, a phased approach to integrating the new puppy into our home, where the benefits could be found.
1. Do Your Research
You should never enter into the decision of getting a dog without the thought of how they will integrate into your home. Depending on the size of dog you are looking to get, you are committing yourself to a family pet for at least ten years.
More walks were in our plan
We looked at our family setup and reviewed what type of dog would be best for us.
Due to our busy lives, we wanted a dog that was easy to train and would interact within our family unit.
Rhys loves motion and momentum, so a dog who would enjoy running and returning objects felt to be the best option for us. This would provide opportunities for engagement and play.
Originally we were thinking of a medium-sized dog, but researching the benefits of dogs and autism, a large dog can provide deep pressure sensory input that a smaller dog would not necessarily be able to achieve.
After all our research we settled on finding a gun dog. A dog who would be willing to retrieve objects and interact with our son…
…and a golden retriever came top of the list.
2. Visit The Puppy
Once you have made the decision to get a dog, make sure you follow all the general dog advice. There are many illegal puppy farms which disguise themselves as good loving homes. Cute photos of puppies can sway any interested buyer, so make sure you check the breeder is legit and not selling you a puppy that is going to cause you problems in the long run. A good checklist can be found on The Kennel Club website and will give you sound of mind that you are getting the right puppy.
Once we had found some Golden Retriever puppies we immediately got in contact with the breeder. After the general checks had passed, we asked for photos that we could use to show Rhys prior to the visit.
Albus at three weeks
Showing my son the photos and videos of the puppy helped him understand what was coming and the changes that would soon be in our home. Prepreparation is important, and dependant on your childs level of understanding, make sure you communication the changes that are due to happen in your home.
If you are unable to get photos of your future puppy, Google images will work just the same.
3. Start With Segregation
We never had an instant bond between our Golden Retriever puppy, Albus, and our son, Rhys. To put it simply, it was carnage!
Albus was into everything and doing all the standard puppy pasttimes. He chewed, and jumped, and snapped at the kids like they were part of his puppy pack.
Rhys grew more and more terrified of Albus, that we had to segregate them before we created a permanent division and between them.
Bonding cannot be forced, so we zoned off our house with stair gates and closed doors. It was not the situation we expected ourselves to be in. We thought a dog and our son would have an instant bond – that’s what all those stories had said in the Google search feed!
Segregation became a key step for us, meaning Rhys could feel safe in his own home and approach Albus on his own terms.
4. Train from Day 1
Puppies are unpredictable. After being wild amongst their brothers and sisters for eight weeks, they believe you and your children are puppies too.
Albus was very jumpy and used his jaws in every attempt at play. A golden retriever is not a small dog, even when only a few months old, and we, therefore, had to address his behavior early on to make sure there was the hope of a bond between Albus and Rhys.
Albus on his Training Lead
We purchased a training lead that would allow us to control Albus in the house. A training lead is a long lightweight lead that attaches to the dog’s collar. The lead meant we could easily hold Albus back if Rhys entered the room, and also use it to teach him the first few commands that would allow him to understand his position in our family pack.
We used the McCann dog training videos, which were easy to understand and allowed us to create a good foundation for Albus to be trained and calm inside our home.
5. Let Your Child Approach On Their Terms
We now had a calm safe space for Rhys, and through the training, Albus knew his position in the family hierarchy, allowing for a calm home that now included a Golden Retriever.
The control meant that when Rhys entered the family space, he did not have a dog bounding towards him and causing distress. With this calm environment, Rhys began to venture back into the family space.
The progress we had made, took only a couple of days. We had moved mountains in less than a week.
There is something wrong with this picture?
It was important to not force Rhys to come into the same space as Albus. We needed to create an environment in which Rhys felt safe coming into, a calm space where the new creature was no longer a threat.
He was then able to approach on his own terms.
6. Integrate Your Puppy Into Everyday Activities
From this point on we continued to integrate Rhys and Albus. Dogs need walking, and this turned into a daily family activity.
In the beginning, Rhys walked with us, Albus being at a distance and not something he wanted to be part of. But over a few days, we managed to encourage Rhys to take the lead and be part of the daily strolls.
Rhys found the tension of the lead and the pull of Albus extremely satisfying as a new method of sensory input. His face radiated with excitement and there was a walk where he laughed the entire journey up to the park.
Walking with the Sweetie Rope Dog Lead
To make sure Rhys was safe walking Albus we purchased a Sweetie Rope Dog Lead, which had two handles, allowing us to hold the long end while Rhys could gain confidence in the new role.
7. Extend The Routines
As Rhys and Albus slowly became happy within the same space we were able to gently push forward into new opportunities.
With Albus now trained with the Stay and Sit commands, feeding him became a calm activity that Rhys could become involved in. We also encouraged Rhys to give his new companion treats, helping Albus realise that Rhys was someone with something he wanted.
Feeding Albus for the first time
We did not have the immediate bonding experience in our family, but within a few short weeks, we were able to create an environment where bonding could happen and start to florish.
It is important to focus on the steps to create a calm environment before any interaction with a new pet can take place.
Come follow A&Me on all social media channels to follow the progress of Rhys and his Golden Retriever.
With autism goes sensory processing challenges. And haircuts are the ultimate challenge for all things sensory.
People have spoken about physical pain at their hair being snipped, and others have explained the unbearable feeling as their hair is brushed or combed. These challenges are all before even considering the environment, the noises and most importantly communications.
But success can be achieved when you know the steps to tackle. It is about taking on step at a time, ensuring awareness of the process and what to expect.
Let me share the top tips for haircut success.
Speak to the hairdresser about your child’s needs. I have found them to be very accommodating and keen to help. If they aren’t, go to the other hairdresser on the other side of the road, cause it is not like we are in short supply of options.
After explaining the situation, ask the hairdresser if it is possible to come in 5 minutes before they open. I have never found this a problem, as it only takes 5 minutes to cut a child’s hair, and they tend to always be in a bit before opening time to grab a cuppa or get the different tools out.
Arriving before they open and discussing your child’s needs, lets your child have the salon to themselves with no hairdryers, no fresh strange shampoo smells, and even the opportunity to ask for the music to be turned off and lights dimmed.
Book the top hairstylist. This is due to a number of factors. They are experienced and can provide an excellent cut on child’s head no matter what contortion they put themselves in. They are quick, so less time in the stressful situation. They tend to be the manager of the salon, so something simple as turning down the lights does not need anyone’s approval.
Before going to the appointment, visit the hairdresser a couple of times, with your child. Go inside and have a sit down. Take some photos to show before the appointment. This is all about becoming aware of the environment. Do this at the beginning of the day when it is quiet. You may need to do this in stages, firstly just going up to the door, and working up to actually going inside.
On the day of the appointment, explain to your child where they are going. This can be verbally if they understand, pictures if they want to look at them, or my personal favourite, YouTube clips of a child getting their haircut to provide familiarity of the situation ahead.
Brush your child’s hair before you leave the house. This removes one task for the hairdresser and starts a bit of desensitisation on their scalp. The hairdresser can immediately start cutting as soon as you arrive.
Don’t feel your child needs to sit in the hairdressing chair with a cape around them. Let your child sit where they like. Offer to clean up afterwards.
Distraction is key. Take an ipad, book, chocolate, favourite toy or do your signature crazy dance to entertain them while the hairdresser does her job. You have the place to yourself, so who cares what you look like.
Keep to a simple cut. In my opinion, I have always kept Rhys’ hair in a long surfer cut. It allows for easy cutting, zero styling, and if he does miss a haircut, it is not as noticeable.
At the end provide loads of praise.
You may manage to get your child’s hair cut following the above or you may not. It is about progression and taking one step at a time. However if it doesn’t work, there is an alternative option, and this is what we have now done.
Special needs schools have qualified hairdressers that cut the children’s hair. Phone around the special needs schools in your area, and get the name of the hairdresser that visits the school. These hairdressers tend to be freelance and will come to your house.
Follow the same steps as if you were going to a salon, the pictures, hair brushing and distractions. The benefit of a special needs hairdresser is that they know about things like autism. They are not scared about an anxious child, and accommodate and adapt to your child’s needs. They are also supper quick and will cut your child’s hair in the broom cupboard, if that is where your child feels safe.
I would recommend getting a siblings hair cut at the same time, or if you don’t have one, get a friends child or your husband to have their hair cut. This avoids you feeling bad about a hairdresser coming to your house and your child refusing a haircut. At least the hairdresser will be able to do someone else’s hair instead.
At the end of the day, if all fails and your child finds a haircut too distressing, remember, it is only a haircut. There are a lot bigger worries in our lives and our children having hair halfway down their backs is the least of them.
I suggest reading the below in conjunction with the communication strategies on this site as everything we do is better through communication.
An Autism Blog creating awareness one story at a time
