Tag Archives: autism talk

The Life of a Special Needs Parent

March 6, 2021 AMe

Special needs parents lead different lives.

We spend a life of searching. Sifting through websites, articles, picking up rogue posts off social media, or a snippet of information from a conversation. Information which will change things for our children going forward.

In the begining we quickly realised that there was no special parenting guide or resource base where everything was waiting for us. You had to find it, and they hide it so well, scattering it in a multitude of places!

We lead a life of fighting

We lead a life of fighting. Fighting the authorities for the best support and education for our children, and then fighting to keep that support. We fight for a referral, and then have to wait months, sometimes years to get the services we deserve, to only get pushed aside with a written report ready to file away with the others.

Our children are discharged from speech and language specialists when they are still unable to communicate or speak a single word, leading to new fight to keep what you were promised.

The documentation is endless. Multiple write-ups of our child’s development, always in a negative tone, visually showing in black and white, all the things our children cannot do, rather than the difficulties that have overcome or the amazing barriers they have smashed down.

We hold legal documents which define the education to be delivered to our children, and then fight the schools to deliver it. Education that is published as free for all, but really it is just for those where it is easy to cater for.

We lead lives of staring and comments. A life where we stand out because our children are louder than others, or attract attention to themselves by shuttle runs up and down supermarket isles or getting super excited at a moving piece of equipment, their hands flapping in a overload of euphoria.

We communicate differently, in ways we have had to research, try, fail and then finally succeed with. Stooping down to our child’s level and holding up pictures or round coloured traffic light cards, to help them understand what is next or about to end.

Stares come from those parents who can just shout for their kids to follow, confused at why we don’t just tell our children through voice commands about what to do. They hold their heads up high thinking they are better parents that us – but we know different, we know how far we have come.

We have to contend with angry parents whose children have been pushed, hit or kicked by our child. We try to articulate that the reason wasn’t out of violence, but rather a form of non-verbal communication, or frustration or sensory overload. We continuously voice our apologies for something out of our control. But those parents don’t listen, they just want justice for their hard, a hard that is so much different to ours. So we start to avoid those places, we steer clear of those people.

We know all about sensory overload, an area which meant nothing to us before. We learn how to help our children manage it, how to notice the signs and places to avoid. It becomes a central reason for the way our children act and how we coordinate everything we do.

Our children can’t go to all the places.

Because our children can’t go to all the places. Some places are too over-whelming. It could be a birthday party, or a catch-up at a play centre, or an unknown location you don’t have a picture for. We decline these places because we know the potential outcome. We know it may not be pretty.

We are however parents who make our own rulebooks. We create new goals for our children, milestones you will never find in professional checklists or folders. We punch the air in jubilation when our children manage to zip up their coats after years of hard work, through the use of strategies and techniques we have mastered along the way.

We high five our partners, keeping our celebrations within our tribe.

We high five our partners when we watch as our child follows a verbal instruction, because we have had years of them not understanding, just sitting blank faced at our request.

We keep our celebrations with our tribe, the parents who know the same struggles. Because there are no words to explain the feeling when your child finally says their first word, years after the rule book said they should. Other parents are past that stage, that phase was years ago, when their children were also celebrating their first step or ball throw. They have moved onto newer and bigger things.

We feel the loneliness, the separation from other families. We talk about our hard to those who understand, because only by living through it, do you know how hard it actually is.

But our children are still here. They may not be meeting the expectations of society, but they are exceeding all of ours!

Special needs parents are taking each day at a time. They are fighting for their kids. They are advocating for their children’s conditions and pushing for inclusion in a world which cuts them off.

And while we do that our children will continue to grow and develop in their own way…

Because..

…the world doesn’t define what our children are to become, our children define the world they want it to be.

Autism Life, Popular Post

We Are All A Little Autistic!

February 21, 2021 AMe

“We are all on the spectrum”
“We are all a little autistic”
“I get scared in strange places too”
“I am not really a social person”

I have so much to say when I hear those words. I have so much to share and explain.

I have so much awareness to raise on a condition that is part of our lives, part of my son.

I want to respond to those comments. I want to let people know what autism is.

Autism is not feeing anxious about new surroundings, or a child crying because they don’t want to leave their mum. Autism is the strange sound that reverberates through the body, the strange smell of the floorboards, the overpowering vibrations of the crowds running across the wood panel floors. It’s the overwhelming sensory input that means it is impossible to enter a room no matter what reassurance is given.

Autism is working through multiple scenarios in your head, dissecting days out that have ended because it rained that day or I put wellies on my son’s feet instead of trainers.

Autism is never having a play date, because your son doesn’t have any friends.

Autism is when your son is invited to a birthday party, but you have to decline because you know it is a magic show where the magician uses a PA system that cannot be tolerated by your son’s hypersensitive hearing. You make some excuse about a family event, but in reality you just sit at home because you don’t have the words to explain. The birthday invites then stop coming, because you are seen as a parent who never takes part.

Autism is answering for your child because you don’t know how to explain why they can’t answer for themselves.

Autism is answering to a stranger when they ask your son “Hello, what is your name?” because he cannot talk or understand the question. You don’t have the strength to try explain the complexity of the situation, because the stranger is just the cashier in Morrisons who you will never see again.

Autism is taking your children to the zoo, only to have to return to the car after ten minutes because your son cannot cope with the smells of the unknown location. You let your other children grab a treat in the gift shop while you beg for a refund or just forfit the £60 entrance charge. You cry because your autistic son’s siblings have looked forward to this day, but lose out because their brother can’t cope.

Autism is sitting on the supermarket floor, while your son has a meltdown. Shoppers pass you by, looking at you and wondering why you just don’t discipline your child. But you know you just need to sit and wait for the pain to subside. Being there is the only way through it.

Autism is taking your six year old son to swimming lessons, but still being in the parent and toddler class because that means you can be in the pool with him. Parents of two year olds watch you wondering why he hasn’t progressed. You ignore it, you have grown a thick skin that simple stares cannot penetrate.

Autism is planning everything to the most minute detail. You dissect situations that fail and try again and again. Scenarios and plans are so engrained in your head that you become an expert and execute them like clockwork.

Autism is knowing words are not the only way to communicate. You crouch down to your sons eye level and hold up pictures and schedules. Ignoring the onlookers, focusing on the key communication strategy that works.

Autism is panicking when the new taxi to school has a sliding door instead of a swing open door. A change that can set back your son’s education. A situation you have not planned for or envisaged, and stand with waited breath and fingers crossed in the hope it will all be ok.

Autism is hard, but autism is also pride. Pride at what your child can achieve.

Autism is hard, and difficult to explain, but autism is also pride. Pride that barriers can be broken down, and goals exceeded. Where new ways of living can be found, and a strength you never knew existed breaks through from nowhere.

Autism is shock at the things your child can do, beyond any ability of your own. The photographic memory, the association of numbers or the high speed rotation without any dizziness in sight.

So before you comment or undermine the challenges that autistics and those supporting them face, ask a question instead. Ask for information, ask how you can help, or just smile and say, “You are doing ok mum, you are doing great”.

Because autism is not a tut, or a mutter of bad parenting. Autism is life through a different set of glasses, a life we are trying to navigate through where the maps don’t yet exist and rulebooks are still being written.

We are still creating a world where we can all belong, and we need all kinds of minds to achieve that!

🌏🌏🌏🌏🌏🌏🌏🌏🌏🌏

Autism Life

Worry vs Wonder

February 11, 2021 AMe

The tears ran down my face. They came from a place of hurt and stress and uncertainty. The result of the feeling of nothingness. A sense of loss. The loss of the life I thought I was going to have. A vision where me, my husband and three kids, would go on crazy day trips together, create memories and do the things that every other family did.

My life expectations had been pull out from beneath me. They had been wiped out of my life plan, my vision for the future. My son had received his diagnosis. A diagnosis, that although would never change who he was, it would change the way I thought our life would be.

I started to ask myself questions.

I started to worry.

The worry was for every day things. The stuff other families just did without thought, but for us would take the planning of a board of directors.

The worry about his education, how he would learn to write, to read and to add up numbers. I worried about his future and whether he would get through high school, and then what? What would he be capable after that? Would we choose mainstream or a special unit? I worried what that all meant!

I worried about small things that were actually such big things.

I worried about small things that were actually such big things. Like whether he would ever form friendships or have a friend. What about the traditional marriage and two point four children? He currently wasn’t socialising, or able to talk or integrate or follow instructions. How would he ever have a friend? Would he be alone and not feel that bond with someone? Would he ever experience the fun, naughty and exciting things that friendships guarentee?

I wanted him to come home and tell me about his day, about what he had done, and where he had gone. But he couldn’t. He was pre-verbal, not a sound to convey or even the ability to converse in any other way to tell me about his daily adventures. I worried that he had been sad, or bullied, or alone, or even had an amazing day. I never knew. My son just stood with a blank stare, and not a word muttered, not a sound exchanged.

I worried about where we could go or how a situation would play out. Often outings were filled with stress, with meltdowns, with stares from strangers who tutted and wrote it off as bad parenting. I lost my excitement due to the worry that things would just crash and fall apart. What reason was there to get excited in what was doomed to fail?

I worried for my other children who had to take this challenge on their own shoulders. Who had to be on the sidelines missing out on things which should be guarenteed as part of their childhood. I worried about how they felt when their brother was in a state of inconsolable distress, and their feelings ignored while my focus was fundamentally on controlling the more intense, urgent situation on the floor in front of me.

I knew we needed to change. I couldnt continue with the worry, the uncertainty of my son’s future.

So we changed.

We shifted our mindset, realising that the future could only be influenced by what we could influence today.

We started to disect every situation, and analyse every step. Me and my family worked together. We striped out the worry through factual analysis and plan execution.

And with that change we started to move forward.

I realised that the only way I could change the future was by shifting my perspective. As I looked down at my big blue eyed boy, with his long blonde surfer locks, I saw a child with purpose. A child who was happy and content and determined to do what he was interested in.

He didn’t care about the stares or the fact he only ate pizza every single night for dinner. He did however care for me. His cuddles and snuggles into me when he was scared, his laughter when I tickled his belly, and his smile when I threw him in the air. He wasn’t worried for the future, he was happy in the present.

I had to change myself, and not keep looking for ways to change my son.

I had to change myself, and not keep looking for ways to change my son.

I started to focus on what he wanted, what that day held, and how we could overcome the challenges which were present in the present.

As soon as I changed my perspective, and as soon as I stopped and watched my little boy, I saw his quirks, his strengths, his warmth and personality. We worked on strategies, which improved his engagement, and over time finally lead to speach. We changed his school to one that met his needs, something I worried about constantly before, where I had worried about what others would think, what others would say.

I turned away from the stares, the comments, the harshness, and looked through the eyes of my child.

I stopped worrying.

I started to wonder.

Through all the changes and development, my boy started to smash down the barriers. He started to meet milestones. Not the milestones in the published parenting books, but the milestones we had set for ourselves as a family. The ability to leave the house, the understanding of where we were going, the engagement between ourselves and our children. My son started to prove the world wrong.

I stopped, and I wondered.

I wondered what the future now held for my son. It was not a worry, it was a wonder of what other successes were on the horizon. What new experiences we would create and enjoy.

It was not a worry, it was a wonder.

Our lives were different now. But that didn’t mean they were worse. Just different.

The tears fall less frequently now, there are more smiles and moments of laughter, as I wonder what tomorrow has in store.

Change your perspective. Don’t worry about a future you know nothing about. Focus on the present and instead of worrying you can start to wonder.

#worryvswonder #fcvblogsquad

Speech

Change Your Question!

February 1, 2021 AMe

Three years ago there was one question I asked every person I met, every professional and every support group. It is a question I now get asked all the time, and a question which I see asked on support groups every week.

That question is “When did your child start to talk?”

The answers are always varied. You get the one word responses detailing the age of people’s children, and then you get more specifics, like “My son could only say one word a year ago, and now he doesn’t stop” or “My daughter just started talking in sentences” or “I’m still waiting, my son is nine next week”.

Human nature means we look for the answer we want to hear. If your child is four, you will be drawn to the response from the kind lady with blonde hair who has written “My son said his first word at four and a half”

You will breathe a sigh of relief and believe that your child will be the same, and in six months time your child will say their first word too. I mean why wouldn’t they, the kind lady on Facebook wrote that her child did? Why would yours be any different?

But your child is different. They move at their own pace and have their own strengths and challenges.

So after waiting six months, and your child has still not said their first word, you will find yourself back on that support group or Google, looking for the next response, possibly coming across a response from dark haired Dan whose son went from non-verbal to talking in sentences at five years old. You relax once again and assume your child will be the same.

You need to stop asking the question “When did your child start talking?” because you are asking a question which has no relevance to your child. You are comparing your child’s circumstances to someone else’s child, one you have never met and know nothing about.

I know what it is like. I have been there. I asked the same question. I wanted my son to start talking, because in my head, that would make everything OK. If he talked, everything would be solved!

It’s not that easy. But there are ways to make it manageable. And that starts by asking the right questions!

Change your perspective and change the question.

Ask, “How did you get your child to communicate?”

Communication is so much wider than verbal speech. A child may be able to talk, but has not yet developed the perceptive language to associate words with real word objects. Similarly a child may not be able to speak verbally, but they are able to understand language and communicate with a device, pictures or sign language.

If your child drags you by the hand to the fridge and points to an apple, they are telling you they are hungry and want a snack. They can do that without saying a word.

The moment my son signed the word “more” to me with Makaton while blowing bubbles, we were communicating even before verbal language was possible.

I cried buckets over the worry about my son’s speech. I asked everyone the question “When did your child start to talk?” But trust me on this, none of the answers to that question were any help to us, they just upset me more. They set up expectations that were never met.

Forget about getting your child to talk, and focus on getting them to communicate. Ask the question “How did you get your child to communicate?” The answers you get to that question will allow you to implement changes, improve engagement, and move towards having a conversation with your child.

The answers to that question will give you strategies and tools to help you increase engagement with your child, help you ask what your child what they want and need, and also let them tell you how they are feeling or what they are thinking.

All before they even say a word.

Speech is the last bit of communication in the process. Forget about getting your child to talk, and focus on communication. This switch in mindset will move your child through the steps to communication and finally speech. And if they don’t reach speech, you will have a selection of different ways to communicate.

Because at the end of the day, we all want to just have a conversation with our child. But that communication is not always verbal.

🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣

Click here to read how I got my son to communicate.

Autism Life

A Tribe Worth Belonging

January 20, 2021 AMe

Lonely

That’s I how I felt!

It was the feeling of being left behind. The feeling of everyone else being part of a crowd that I did not belong to and could not belong to. We didn’t have the criteria to go along with the crowd. The crowd whose children were running around together, being surprised by new adventures, making their first friendships, talking and conversing with each other in a natural untaught way.

There are so many feelings that overwhelm you when you realise your child is not “the same” as everyone else’s. There are feelings of fear, the unknown, anxiety, hope, upset, stress, and sadness. But the feeling that trumped it all for me, in the beginning, was loneliness.

My group of friends who continue to be everything to me, handed me words of reassurance, “Everything is going to be ok” and “I am here for you” and “He will catch up”. These were the phrases they recited, in the way that every friend would do. My friends have continued to be there for me. They have celebrated our achievements, and they have been a shoulder to cry on when I have had no where to go. But they were also as knowledgeable in autism as I was at the time, when I was beyond clueless.

My friends went on outings together and sat on the side catching up with a cuppa and cheeky piece of cake. Their children ran around within their line of sight. They were probably having the normal parental stresses you would expect, like checking where their child was at all times, and concerns if they fell or lost their friends. But they looked relaxed and enjoying the world they lived in and the progression their child made, in how it was expected to be made.

I often sent excuses to these catch-ups. It was easier than trying to explain that Rhys wouldn’t enter the location they had planned. Or try and describe the meltdown he had experienced the week before, at the entrance, not even managing to get into the foyer. The failure I felt inside not knowing why or how to solve an issue I did not know existed. The embarrassment from people staring at me and me not knowing what to do to rectify the situation, with my main focus being on getting the hell out of there.

In the occasions that I could get Rhys into different establishments, I was not the parent sitting on the side sipping a cup of tea and talking about the latest gossip. I was in constant sight of Rhys. I would panic about him physically pushing a younger child, not because he was violent, but because that was how he communicated – physically. I would be trying to apologise to a parent who was appalled about how Rhys had approached their child, explaining something I actually had know knowledge or experience about. I was too vulnerable to stand up and explain, finding myself apologising and edging away, because I was broken and unsupported in the mist that surrounded me.

At this time Rhys did not have a diagnosis. Autism was a word I had heard but knew just that, the word. I knew none of its context.

I was alone in a world of confusion, and could not even start to imagine how it felt for Rhys.

My friend’s children continued on the recognised path of development, and we moved in parallel, at snails pace. We were extremely behind and didn’t have the stepping stones they had to progress. We just drowned in a world we did not understand or know how to navigate through. I didn’t know where to look for help or information and support.

I stayed behind closed doors for a long time. Battling through the process with paediatricians, speech therapists, psychologists, occupational therapists and ENT surgeons. Just to name a few.

I was alone. This was a norm I had never heard about, with everyone else leading ‘normal’ lives, with the remaining being part of a secret autism society I could not get the membership card to.

It was when I went on the early bird course lead by the National Autistic Society that I started to connect with other parents, just like me. They were just normal families with the same struggles as us and roamed the same places we did (there was no secret group who were hidden away – they were among us). I had found people who I could talk to. People who understood the complexities of autism – from a parent’s perspective. We laughed about things that I would never share with my ‘non-autism’ friends, because they just wouldn’t get it.

I call them my Tribe. A group who are there to support, fight and laugh together over things that other ‘normal’ families do, but also the other things that only we understand and get.

In the UK, 1 in 100 people are on the autism spectrum, and there are many more that are undiagnosed. If you include families in these figures, you are looking at 2,8 million people in the UK with a first hand experience.

You are not alone if you or your child is autistic. Walk down the street and you are guaranteed to pass at least one autistic person. Search famous people and there are amazing individuals who are have changed or who are changing this world in way a no Neurotypical person can.

You will already know someone with a link to autism. I know this because every person I have spoken to about my son has either confirmed that one of their family members are autistic or a close friend or colleague.

Autism is everywhere, and the feeling of loneliness I felt, was short lived. As soon as I lifted my head up and spoke about it, a whole new world opened up for me, and in turn allowed me to enter into Rhys’ world and help him and broaden it into mine.

We need to raise the awareness of Autism. We are not alone in this. We are part of this and part of a world that needs a range of different minds to move forward. Different doesn’t mean unable, different means flexibility, perspective and progression in different ways. Ways that can achieve amazing things.

👨‍🦱👨👳‍♂‍👩🧕👧🧒👶

A&Me