Being an official member of the 3am club, I want to introduce you to the top 20 realisations of getting up before the sun.
- You begin to ponder whether 3am is actually the middle of the night or just very early morning!
- Telling your son it is still “bedtime” is just a waste of energy, you are experienced enough now to know it is a waste of time. They are awake and to them the day has begun!
- Cbeebies only starts at 6am and although you have Amazon Prime and Netflix, replaying the same episode over and over again takes effort and engagement with your child. Engagement isn’t law till after 7am!
- It is difficult to distinguish between whether you are just really tired or actually ill. Both feelings blur into each other and your brain lacks the capability to segregate them!
- It does not give you more time to do things! Efficiency and tiredness are not multiply exclusive.
- Five coffees before 7am has no impact in preparing you for the day, just makes you pee ten times more before breakfast.
- You eat breakfast at 5am which means lunch is moved forward to 10am.
- You eat more due to running out of mealtimes with dinner shifted to the earlier slot of 2pm!
- You realise that a walk (to try and get some air) only leaves you panting like a eight-five year old on her weekly trip to the Post Office!
- In an attempt to push forward with the day, the eighty-five year old over takes you on her errands, so you give up and rest on a park bench. Sometimes you add a nap!
- Everywhere looks suitable for a nap!
- While you have a wee, you place your head on your lap and feel a sence of calm pass over you. Sleep feels good, you could sit there forever!
- You umm and aah more than normal on a work conference call, attempting to perceive yourself as virtually conscious and “in the room” while actually sitting in yesterday’s pants and lying curled up on the couch motionless! Loose woman is on in the background on mute with illegible subtitles blurring across the screen.
- You lack the ability to talk and find yourself making up new words, like ‘decisioning’, and believing they exist.
- You feel no guilt in thoughts of punching Karen in the face when she says, “I don’t know how you do it, you’re amazing”. The fact is we may look like we are, but realistically we would be more sober after knocking back ten gin and tonics!
- The culprit of the 3am wake up does not get affected by the lack of sleep, with energy levels continuing to increase exponentially throughout the day. This really starts to tick you right off!
- You have no energy to keep the 3am child up, as the evening draws nearer, the child passes out early starting a vicious chain of events whereby they wake up early again and turn 3am into the new norm!
- Takeaway for dinner on a 3am day is unquestioned.
- You only manage half the takeaway because eating takes effort you just don’t have.
- The children’s dinner takes all your effort to just throw a hot cross bun, pate crackers and a yoghurt on a plate, but your eldest son still looks up at you, gives you a cuddle and says, “It’s ok, you are still a good Mummy and I love you”. Nothing will beat that!
Rhys may have given me exclusive access to the 3am club, but I know I am not the only parent out there with those rights. 3am is just a time, and tonight I will be in bed by 8pm catching up on shut-eye ready to take on another day tomorrow.